Ambud Stumbles on the Path

Part I

My first meditation.

During my first mediation I can remember struggling over how to sit, painfully attempting to position these two logs I like to refer to as legs, into a lotus position. Ok, now lets see, oh yeah, breathe in two..three..four, breathe out. Damn my legs hurt; I wonder if it’s supposed to hurt like this, what kind of Masochists really sit like this. Oh yeah…breathe in two, three, four.

Fortunately for me, it wasn’t a long session, about five minutes. Just long enough so that I couldn’t wake my legs up when I was finished. I’ve often heard that there is no such thing as a bad meditation and I suppose that is true, but my first time was definitely unpleasant.

I’m not sure what made me decide to continue, but I did. I stopped trying to sit lotus, sorry folks, just doesn’t work for me. I did try to follow some proper posture suggestions that I had read, but I was definitely done with lotus.

After my initial fumbling, I became a diligent student, attempting to meditate everyday. I probably managed five sessions of ten minutes per week. I was pretty proud of the commitment I made to my practice, and I was beginning to see just how distracted my mind was. It became obvious to me that I was constantly bringing myself home from the long train ride to ‘never-never land’. I think the returning back to my breathing helped with my realization that my ego was making me jump the train. Every thought I had seemed so important that I had to follow it.

Months went by as I watched my mind helplessly embroiled in the unfolding drama of ‘nothing important’. Finally, I began to notice changes in my daily life. These changes were very subtle, for example; occasionally, I would actually be present enough to notice that I was one of those people who, when engaged in conversation, was actually just waiting their turn to speak. Eventually, this awareness transformed into action and I improved on my communication with others.

The changes I noticed in meditation were less subtle. I was able to keep my focus for longer periods than before and my “mad monkey” mind was definitely slowing down.

This new found success, gave me more confidence when I wasn’t meditating and began to change the course of my life.

I wish I could tell you that six months later I achieved enlightenment and joined the great Buddha’s in the sky, but alas, it’s nearly two decades later and I’m still a mere mortal stumbling on the path.

Ambud

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