I am Sage?
Ambud Stumbles on the Path
PartII
I am Sage?
People begin meditation and change religions or philosophies for many different reasons. Often, these changes are a result of some event or series of events which trigger a need to find something more. I’m no different in that regard, and while I had my earliest exposure to meditation and Buddhism years prior , several major changes in my life increased my dedication to practice during the time that this article refers to.
In the last part of this series I was describing how my first meditation had progressed and how I was beginning to see some benefit from my new found obsession. I’m sure that ‘obsession’ might seem like a strange word here, but that really is, what it was. I had fallen into my first ‘pit’; attachment to meditation itself.
My meditation sessions became an hour in length every morning, and if my evening had any free time, I would meditate then as well.
I started my meditations by watching my breath, and not watching like I did when I first started; my focus was intense, I noticed the length, moisture, and temperature of my in-breath and out-breath. I could maintain awareness of the in and out flow of air through my nostrils almost effortlessly. Within minutes, I would enter my favorite state, where I could see swirling patterns of light in my mind and recursive thought seemed to disappear. Energy vibrated throughout my body and my heart was filled with joy.
Sessions flew by as my mind embraced this union with the universe and any connection to conventional reality disappeared. Before I knew it, my mind-clock was going off, letting me know that my hour had expired and reluctantly, I would begin to bring myself back .
I would continue to feel the lingering peace and joy for up to an hour after meditation. But I always came back down , my drug wore off very quickly, and it wasn’t long before I was ‘Jonesing’ for another dose.
I don’t recall how long my meditation remained this way, but I embraced it wholeheartedly and started thinking that I must be experiencing Nirvana; I didn’t know anybody who had experienced this before. I was convinced that somehow I was one of those chosen few who would achieve nearly spontaneous enlightenment.
There was even a period during this time where I actually felt like I was somehow disconnected from my body, it was like I was some energy-consciousness thingy that hovered above myself and observed as I went about my regular daily activities.
I started to come back to reality when it occurred to me; with the help of some friends , that if I was so enlightened, such a sage, then why was I still miserable when I wasn’t meditating, why did I still get caught up in so much anger and pain.
Damn, false alarm, call off the festivities, no Buddha here, just Ambud stumbling on the path AGAIN.
Ambud
Being very new to meditation, I can really relate to what you are saying. When I meditate regularly, I find myself wanting more and more - but somehow I also feel that this is not really a good thing. I don’t know how to expain that- like if I let myself meditate too much I could become additcted it or something. I bet that sounds very strange. When I am experiencing this, I feel like maybe I am turning to meditation for the wrong reasons - like to escape from the stresses of the day. I sometimes think I could get caught up wanting to meditate all the time. Should I? Am I missing the point somewhere?
You could certainly be addicted to worse things. In a future article I will discuss my personal remedy to the problem discussed in the article. The basic point is that meditation can be about many things to many people and if it makes you relax and feel better then thats a good thing. If you are practicing Buddhism and you get attached to sensations, light shows etc., then you may be missing the point, as I was. What we are really looking for is insight, an understanding of our mind and our interaction with our universe. An emptiness meditation for example helps to loosen our egos’ grip, while a loving kindness meditation helps us connect more to others.
In any case the idea behind buddhist meditation is personal growth and not spectacular light shows etc.
Thanks For the post!!
Ambud
It isn’t the light shows that I find addicting - it’s the peace and tranquil feeling that I have. I know that there are far worse addictions out there. I have done loving kindness meditations, and have even done my first forgiveness meditation — but I don’t know how to do a mediation on emptiness. How does one do that?