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By Missdharma

Where I Have Been

If you asked me 4 years ago, “What is Buddhism?” I would have given you some very incorrect answer like, “Oh, Buddhism is the same as Christianity; only found in Asian countries.”

Yes, yes, I was very ignorant. I thought that the Buddha was the Asian version of God.

I am beyond that now. When I first met Rick (the names are changed to protect the innocent) and learned that he was Buddhist, I immediately wanted to learn more. I have always been very interested in philosophy and religion, though I never believed in any religion. I found myself always drawn to wanting to find out more about what people believe in. I have been in almost every type of God fearing church there is; I have known a few Jewish people and a few Jehovah Witnesses. I had even looked into Paganism. This was my first experience with Buddhism.

I expected, frankly, that I would find out more and find that it was crazy; just like all those churches who want you to fear being struck down by lightning. Paganism almost got me; but there was just too much; too many Gods to pray too, too much mumbo-jumbo, etc.

At first, I thought that Buddhism had nearly the same draw as paganism. I was intrigued by connecting to the Universe, feeling the energy of everything; it almost seemed like magic to me without having to take your clothes off and howl at the moon.

So, meditation is the first step. Boy was I disappointed when I meditated for a few weeks and there was no magic.

By this point, though I had learned a few things:

1. Buddha himself said, “Do not believe me, question everything and find the truth for yourself”
You mean these Buddhist don’t expect me to just follow along like a sheep and have “faith”? — Cool.

2. The highest Buddhists study science and compare their beliefs to scientific findings; they even alter their beliefs when science is able to give them reason to do so.
I never saw a Christian do that — even Cooler!

3. Meditation really does have positive effects on your life. I noticed that almost immediately my stress level went down several notches and I had a better outlook on life.

I was obsessed with “connecting with the Universe”. I meditated on this alone for hours and hours to no avail. I don’t know really what I thought was going to happen, but I sure did think it was going to be great. I finally gave up on it; assured that it would happen for me some day.

I also tried some things that later left me feeling really dissatisfied. I am divorced and have 3 children. At the time, my two youngest children had decided to live with their father for he allowed them to do just about anything they wanted and I expected them to behave. I missed them terribly. My heart was broken. I wanted to connect with them, but was at a loss of how to do that. Conversation with a 14 and 15 year old is almost impossible if they just don’t want to participate.

My answer- Meditate!
When the going gets tough, I will get meditating.

I spent hours meditating on loving kindness to my children and envisioning love traveling from my heart to them while they slept in their beds at Daddy’s house.

Guess what - they started calling and visiting. At first, this was wonderful. It was just exactly what I wanted, right?

Well, this left me feeling like I was working Witchcraft on them. It felt worse to me than when they were ignoring me. It just felt wrong; like this was happening for the wrong reasons. I felt like I willed it to happen, and that isn’t what I wanted. So, to find out if this was a direct result of meditation, I stopped doing these meditations. I continued to spend a few minutes of each session doing Loving Kindness mediation for them, but I stopped letting it by my main focus. Well, I noticed that the phone calls stopped and the visits were no more. They were back to being bratty teens; breaking my heart.

What does that mean? Is it coincidence? I guess this question may always plague me, but I know what it felt like and I didn’t like it; so I guess I have to live with this question.

What do you think?

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